Detachment?

DETACHMENT

What the hell is that? It seems like it is an important term when dealing with an alcholic, or any addicted, or ever very ill, person.

It comes up in Al-anon.

I don't quite understand and I am confused.

I spent time this morning reading about detachement, what it is , what it means, how to do it.

But.....I still am having a hard time grasping it. The lightening bolt hasn't gone off. I keep hearing you have to detach from the alocholic, with love. Shit.

I am getting bits of it anyway. When I put myself and my needs first, I am detaching. When I won't accept unacceptable behavior, I am detaching. When I accept alcholism as a disease, I am detaching. I went accept that the alcoholics behavior is a symtom of a disease, not a personal attack, I am detaching. When I take responsiblity for myself, my future, and my happiness, I am detaching.

Ok...but how do I love him but still detach? That I don't understand. I understand the need for detachment, to protect myself in a way, but maybe that isn't it. I read, that when you are hurt because of their actions, remember it is a disease, and their attack on you is a symptom, don't take it personally. How can I do that? When he treats me like shit, and I am hurt, I am not suppose to feel hurt? Bullshit. I hurt. I have feelings. Am I suppose to shut off my feelings like he has? That can't be it.

All I can do is have faith in those who have already walked this road. Even if I don't believe I need to trust. Trust in these people, and trust in God.

I also get very confused about my future..;....they should I stay or should I go. But..I don't have to make that decesion today, nor am I ready to. Financially I can't go anywhere. I have a lot of preparation to do...and I am taking the right steps to get there. Of course a fairy tale ending would be great, but, at the same time I know that probably isn't going to happen. I can't count on it by any means. I belive if I give him the choice of me or alcohol, I'm not going to win. It is way stronger than me. Now that hurts.

Yesterday, I was able to communicate with him without fighting or arguing, although it did start out that way, because my feelings were hurt and I lashed out. Wrong move. It's so hard not to say anything, which is the advice I get....I want to assert myself....I want to defend myself, I want to make him hurt too. Anyway, who knows how much seeped into his brain. I talked about what I am doing for myself and how I needed to do that and why. I talked about the fact that he is an alcoholic, which he admits, and how that has effected me and our relationship, and his life. I don't know how much he believes, he doesn't associate his drinking with his problems. Well either did I for a long time. But the seed has been planted, and I can't do anything more. Only God can make the plant grow. I can only plant the seed and water it. There has been a change in him....even though this was only yesterday. He's thinking about it. I am sure the changes I am making in my life are very scary for him. My life is not all about him anymore. It's about me. No matter what ever happens that is the way it should be.

I am so scared myself. Change just sucks. I have to find a job, that is really scary. Interviews...uewwwwwwwww I have one so far this week.