Threats, attention, reality, which is it?

Well, new develops in the world of the insane. I am too old for this shit. I should be in my happy comfortable years. I''m not and why?
Because of the choices I have made. Because of my vulnerablities. Because of my optimism. Because I try to always see the best in everyone. Now these aren't bad things, but they can harm you. But...would I want to change them, I don't think so. They are parts of me, good parts.
I wear my heart on my sleeve. My heart breaks easily. I am an emotional person, feeling person.
I think I might have made a mistake in judgement, but I am still not even sure about that. I was so frustrated with the no relationship relationship I am in. It was to the point that once I stopped arguing with him there was no communication. That was the only communiction we had. Silence. Silence. I don't think there is anything I need to say that I havn't said many times before. He can't communicate except in anger and then the communication is done in a hurtful attacking manner. Silence. Two ships in the night. He was treating me like I had leprasy. I didn't know it could get worse, but it did.
So, I left. I just left. Said nothing. Just left. He does it several times a day. But...always wants to know where I am going, etc. I left. I packed abag and left. Fuck him. I went to my daughters and her husbands who just had a baby. I spent the night. He never even called. Another hit on me. Doesn't care I guess. It hurt. hurt hurt hurt. That is what I get out of this relationship. Hurt, pain. Tears. Wishes. How insane. I love him. How insane.
I am afraid. I was not ready to go out on my own. I wasn't ready. Al-anon has been a lifesaver for me but I have only been in the program for 6 weeks. Not ready. No money. Not enough self esteem to pull it off. I am scared. Where can I go. I have a 16yr old daugher. I have no money, no furnishings, nothing. May God help me. I do have faith in God. He has taken care of me many times before when things looked pretty darn hopeless. He will come through. I can depend on him. Fear. I don't want to spend the rest of my life alone. No. I lived for 10 years alone raising 3 kids and did a good job. I know I can do it. But I don't want to be alone forever. That would suck. I want someone who loves me and I love. But I am almost 50 and no beauty queen anymore. Who would want me? I just do not believe anyone would want me. I'm a loser. I pick losers. I am scared.
Since I came home he has been angry but not saying anything except small talk. I think he cried one day. I dont know what he was thinking. Maybe he was thinking I was with someone else. I don't know, he doesn't communicate with me. He never has asked where I was. He does not let me into his world. He does not express feelings. Only anger. So I let this go on for a couple days again. THen, last night when he came to bed I asked him if he was angry about something....I wanted to get this out in the open. But, since his communication is done through anger only, that is what I got. Anger I left without telling him, anger I still hadn't told him (why hasn't he asked or called?) The alcoholic takes no responsiblity and blames anything and everyone, they are the victim in life. It is a symptom of the disease. I am told to separate the person from the disease and not take it personally!!! How can you not take an attack on you personally? I'm not there. What does he say....I want to be single again, he is unhappy because of me, I am making his life hell, so are my pets, my kids, his life was better before me, he wants to end the relationship. Stuff like that. Wow. I didn't see that coming. Although when he gets really angry that is what he does and says. So...who is talking? The alcoholic, the person? How can I separate them. They are the same person. He is mad I am involved with al-anon. Some of his friends stopped over and I had some books out. Does he think that people don't know? Wow is his head in the sand. Gently, because I really would not intentionally hurt anyone, I explain to him that everyone knows he is an alcoholic. I don't know why he doesn't know that? He drinks everyday! Then he will go to the store, bank, whatever. We live in a fairly small town. He has lived here his whole life. Everyone knows, for crap sake you can smell it I told him. He did need to hear that. He is a very proud person, too proud. He deeply cares what other people think, although he won't admit it.
So I figure at this point I don't have much to lose anymore. I ask him about getting help. Get the answer I expected. He doesn't see that alcohol is the problem. Denial. He admits he is an alkie, but it is not the problem. I know I can't convince him. He has to figure it out himself. But he says he doesn't want to. This is how he wants to live. I don't understand it. Why would someone not choose happiness? He is most certainly not happy. But he blames that on a million other things, including me.
So shit. Shit. Of course I am upset, and of course I cry. But I did not pretty well too. I stayed much calmer than I used to. I don't even know if he is saying this crap out of anger and hurt or if he means it. This has happened before. He would say it just to hurt me. He would say it just to upset me. He would say it to try and get me to kiss his ass. He would say it for attention. He would say it because he has a disease.
But, now I have to make a decision I did not feel ready to make. Or maybe not. He might have made it for me if he was serious. He is feeling threatened about his drinking. It hurts that he would choose drinking over me, ouch. On the other hand, this realtionship sure has not been a fairy tale. It's been a nightmare. I love him so it doesn hurt. Wish I didn't. But he has treated me so badly. I have never been treated so badly. I have known that I could not live the rest of my life like this. That I do deserve to be treated right. But...I am afraid I never will find someone. Who would want ME? I'm not some young chickie anymore. I'm a loser. That is why I pick them, who else would want me.
He says he won't get help, ever. Without it, there can be no relationship. My heart hurts so bad. Reality just sucks. I kind of liked that denial. Things COULD be so good. But, they aren't. And he doesn't want to do the things that would make it good. He is so negative about life. He see's no good in anything. All he does is complain and do the poor me shit. There is nothing he is grateful for, there is only bad. He heart breaks. He doesn't love me enough to even try. The alcohol has him. It has taken over him. He is not even there. He doesn't even know it. He thinks it is reality and life. I have tried to tell him it is not and he is missing out on life. He could be happy. He has a choice. He says he doesn't care. But he does. His actions show he does.
I hate waking up crying. That is the worst. I didn't sleep much of course. But I am learning to turn things over that I have no control over. Practice, Practice Practice. I am trying to get better myself. I have to focus on that. I have control of me. Take a deep breath. Ask God for help and guidance. GIve all this shit to God. I can't handle it, he can. Here ya go dude.
I have to take some steps now. I have to apply for low income housing. It feels so bad to have to get help at my age. I have to accept that I am disabliled, hell the state says so. But I have never accepted it.
I don't know what is going to happen. I have to focus on today so I don't go crazy and get overwhelmed. Step by step. Baby steps. I will get there. What can I do today? Spend time with my daughter who just came home for the summer from college. Go to some yard sales. Fill out the application for housing. Be gentle and kind to myself. Be happy even if I don't feel happy, fake it. GO to my al-anon friends for support. Write here. Sort things out. Read my books. Focus on me, it's about me.
I will be ok. I will be strong. I will cry and that is ok. I will move on.