Living with an alcholic

Living with an alcoholic. That's me...but...it took over two years for me to realize it...hello? Anyone home?
It does amaze me that it took so damn long for me to see this. Hell it had to be pointed out to me! Talk about denial. I grew up in an alcoholic home, I was/am a recovering drug addict myself, but maybe as it was over 20 years ago I dealt with this myself I somehow forgot? HOW did this happen?
It happened because I lost me. I was so damn busy raising 3 children by myself that I had no time to take care of myself. That's just the way it was, and needed to be. My focus was on raising my kids, all of my resources went into it. At the time it was the right thing to do and I am glad I did it. It is my greatest accomplishment, I am very proud of my children and how they have become terrific adults. But.....when that ended.....I was/am so totally lost. I prayed for guidance for years. I knew something was wrong but couldn't figure out what it was. So....I turned to a relationship. My next project. But...none of that really matters except in the lesson to be learned from it.
My journey now and focus is on me. The blog is about finding me, about putting myself first. I don't think that I have ever really done this. I need help. I am finding help in Al-anon and reading. I am exploring. I am thinking. I am trying to ask the right questions to myself and be honest to myself, that is hard.....I have to look so carefully at my motivations for I am manipulative also. I am sick also.
I had some days of peace, I enjoyed them to a point, knowing the chaos would return. Like walking on eggshells. I grew up like that.
I am working on boundaries. What are they? Why do I need them...and most of all how am I going to set them when I know they are going to really piss him off? Fear can control me.
I need to set them to take care of me. To do what is best for me. My first instinct is to set them to hurt him, to manipulate him. I have to be careful. He drinks everyday, comes home everyday drunk to some degree, but drunk. Of course he denies this, he just had a few, he says. SO....he comes home yesterday, drunk. The later it is getting the more I know he will be intoxicated. The stage was set, he was smoking fish all day, since the morning, with drinking buddies. A yearly event. SO....I confront him about being drunk when he gets home, he says he had 5 beers LOL. His denial is getting stronger. He says he is not drunk he is tired. We are watching Cops....a girl is wasted on the show, I say she must be really tired too. So..of course he becomes defensive as always. I could never figure out why is was so defensive. He attacks me verbally. He was working hard all day, he says, while I sat on the couch taking naps all day doing nothing. That's his favorite....he does more than me, well hell I do nothing. Smoking fish is hard ya know, takes a bunch of them to watch all those fish. Hey once in awhile they have to throw a log in. That's what I am thinking. Shit...I realize...too late....that I just brought all this shit on. I am pissed for that, and the cut down remarks he threw at me. grrrrrrrrrrrr.....I tell him I do not want to talk to him when he is under the influence of alcohol. That it usually ends up bad. I leave the room and make my dinner. He threatens me by saying he is just going to go to sleep.......because he knows I don't like it when he does that.....but now....that is fine with me! I tell him that is a good idea.
Now didn't I handle that well LOL...NOT. I plan to talk to him in the morning about my boundaries. But I don't know if that is a good idea either. He will think it is about him not me. He will get defensive. He will take it as an attempt to control him, is it? Why do I have to tell him what my boundaries are? I think that my intentions of telling him may not be a good idea, I think I want to tell him to either hurt him or manipulate him. So...I am not going to mention them at this time. My boundaries I want to set are.....not getting into the games when he drinks...which is hard because it is pretty much all the time except right away in the morning. So who am I to act? Al-anon advices just acting "normal" what the hell is normal. Like nothing is wrong. Normal for me is just keeping my mouth shut, but that's not normal. Act like nothing is wrong.....ok...I will try. I will try not to start something too. Why? Because that is what is best for me. For me. FOr me. If I think I am doing it for him I will become resentful. I'm not doing shit for him. I want to attack him. But...it will hurt me...I have to remember that. If he starts attacking me verbally I have to learn to not respond....why? FOR ME. But it's hard for me to believe that I am taking care of me by letting him get away with it. I can't see that yet. But I have to have faith in those who have gone before me that this is what to do. Don't respond...why....because then I am the bitch....I am the reason he drinks (in his world) ...if I respond it takes the focus off of him and puts it on me. I become the "bad" one. Ok....I will have faith that all this crap is true. I will try it. But it will be very hard. If it gets too hard I need to get up and leave the room, even leave the house if it escalates. I need a plan. I need to practice. It will take time to perfect it.
The other boundary won't be as hard. I don't want to have sex with him when he's drunk. He doesn't much even care about sex so this is harder for me then him. He's drinking has effected his ability to have sex and it usually just sucks. He can't even stay hard. I like sex, yeppers. I think that is normal. But as he is almost always drinking, well it probably means no sex life, not much different than it is now...it is a rare event. Stupid me again....I thought it was some age problem or hormone problem....he knows it is a problem as we have discussed it many times, but he won't do anything about it, and doesn't think it has anything to do with the drinking. Now I know better. At some point, I will have to tell him this...and when I do...our sex life will be over as he will get an attitude, and of course, it will be my fault. But I don't think he will even care. IS this doing what is best for me? Shit I don't know. Am I trying to manipulate? I don't know. Am I being honest to myself? Don't know. I mean I want sex, but not bad sex. What is worse? No sex? I have to think more about this one.
Last week I asked him to write down what he wants out of our relationship in an attempt to start communication. It has failed. I have followed up asking him if he has done it a couple of times, he's said no. Well the first time he said for me to stop bitching??? I don't think I bitch. So there is an obvious miscommunication there....hmmmm. Anyway I explained why I wanted to do this....because we had to change what we were doing in the relationship for it to work....he agrees, as always...but doesn't want to actually do anything. Guess it's all my fault. In his view it is...he doesn't have to change, I do. Well that is right on anyway, I do have to change. I feel sick.
I just don't understand his thinking. Things can't change without change....what we are doing isn't working....why does he think it will? Oh yea...because it is me. I didn't cause it...I can't control it....I can't cure it....keep saying that girl. I am powerless over alcoholism. He is sick. Of course he makes no sense. Focus focus on me. What can I do for me? How do I get stronger? Shit..this is hard.
I am going to a meeting this morning.