New Beginnings

Whew.....today is better, for what that is worth. The sun is rising and the sky is pink, cool. No snow on the ground this morning, very cool. The temp is normal, 50's, cool I guess. Florida was much better though. But at least it is getting better.
I am still shaking, confused, sick to my stomach, nervous, don't sleep much. My world is changing from my inside. It's like a damn snowball hurling down a mountain.....getting bigger and bigger until it blows. Broken. I am broken. Now I have to rebuild starting with all new ingrediants. The old ones didn't work. Shit. I am so damn scared.
On the other hand, I know change had to come, prayed for it to come. I was unhappy but didn't know what was wrong or what to do. I was isolated and depressed. I had no direction or goals.
I wish I wasnt one of those people that it takes a crisis to move my ass. Life would be so much easier, but I am not one of those people. Guess I never will be. I take the long rough road. Dumb.
Yesterday I went to my first "real" (not online) al-anon meeting. A major acheivement for this girl. Me...go into a group of people, whom I know no one....not going to happen, ever...it did. Thank you God. I belong there, that was easy to figure out. A group of people who have the same problems and thoughts that I do. Cool. They have learned skills to cope, to live, to be happy. I need those skills. I want those skills. Their focus is not on the person abusing the alcohol, it is on themselves, finding themselves, learning how to handle situations for their own well being. Cool. I think that is going in the right direction for me. Me....Me...this is about ME.
I met my Mom for lunch. First time I saw her since returning from Florida, almost 2 weeks ago. I havn't even talked to my kids or her much lately. I feel like I have to figure things out for myself. I need time to focus on myself. I can't help anyone else right now.
We talked and I was surprised at how much I told her. On the other hand she has gone through a lot of the same crap with the drinking with her husbands. In fact she was the one who said to me that maybe all the relationship problems were from the drinking....why I hadn't thought of that I don't know....but once I starting thinking about that connection is was very clear.
I told her about the awful arguments, threats, depression. I even told her I was close to sucide a couple of times. I rarely will tell anyone that for fear of being put into a hospital. I had not planned on talking to her at all about the situation, in fact I had planned that if she brought it up I would just say I didn't want to talk about it, like I have been doing to everyone. I wanted a "break" from it.
No fighting yesterday, no arguing. What a relief. But I know damn well it's not over, might never be over. The peace is fleating. But I will take it and enjoy it. But I feel like I am waiting for the ball to drop, on edge, nervous. I can't keep food down so I don't eat much. Oh well, I still need to lose some weight so that is ok.
I did ask Dean to write down what he wants out of our relationship and to do it when he was sober, which is only in the morning. He didn't. He won't go to counseling. He admits our relationship is not working.....but still lives in fantasyland. He thinks that things will just get better on their own, that if you ignore a problem it will go away. I just do not understand his thinking, but from what I have learned it is normal for an alcoholic. Somehow it makes sense to them??? I have to remember that I have no control over the alcoholic....the disease, the symptoms. All I go do is suggest. I can't force him to do anything. I can only change myself and my reactions. There is so much I need to learn to take care of myself. But today, I have peace, right now. At this moment.
Today I am taking care of myself by reading helpful literature from al-anon, by writing here, by spending the day going to a Cat Show and taking my granddaugher, cats are my love.