Life seems to be a series of events. Good and bad. Heading into 50 I thought my life would be settled and serene by now. Hardly! Maybe there is no such thing. How I would love a nice boring life. You know, like the nosy neighbor has. Her house is spotless, her baking and cooking divine, volunteers at several organizations, and knows everything that goes on in the neighborhood. Heck she is still so bored she makes those "sweaters for hangers".
Drama is my life. I feel like I must be some kind of magnet for it. I don't even like it. I do everything I can to avoid it. Is it normal? Is it insane? Do I somehow bring it on?
Well I guess I should begin by telling a brief life story.
I was raised in the Chicago Subs. I have four brothers, I am the second child and only daughter. We moved to rural Wisconsin when I was about thirteen. My childhood seemed, on the outside, great. On the inside, my father was an abusive alcoholic.
The move from Chicago subs to rural Wisconsin was a culture shock. I was not accepted where once I was very popular. However, the older boys were very interested.
My teenage life was filled with partying and everything that goes along with that. I became pregnant at 17, and as was customary in that time, married and had a little girl. It was only a couple of years when I wanted to go back to the partying lifestyle and I did for years and avoided any serious relationships.
By my mid 20's I was addicted to cocaine. Started my long recovery process and was very involved with that. In my late 20's I married, had 2 more children, and went to college and got a bachelor's degree. Once again I divorced. The marriage would have never even happened had I not become pregnant right away, and then again! I tried but I didn't love him and was not happy.
At this point I had 3 children and was about to graduate from college. I felt I could not do all this alone and found another mate, who was also a recovering person. Dumb, dumb. dumb. Married him, had another baby. He choose to go back to drinking and it ended.
I moved to a nice community about an hour away to raise my children alone. No more men for this girl. Financially it was very difficult. I loved raising the kids, we did a lot of things. It was the best time of my life so far. But.....they grow up!!! I did have a plan to move to Florida, I love it there and go on vacation at least once a year. I picked where I wanted to live. But, when the time came that I only had one child left at home, I did not have much money saved of course.
I couldn't afford to stay in the house I was renting for all of us. I didn't want to stay in the community any longer as it was not much for single people. I contacted an old love. I thought God was blessing me as the relationship just seemed to flow. But....well I have a problem picking men to say the least. I see the good, not the bad. I settle. Not saying he is a bad person. But he has a drinking problem of course. How predictable for me.
I haven't had much of a career. I had a major mental breakdown when husband 2 left when I was pregnant, doing my internship, and couldn't take my medications for mental illness issues. I changed dramatically. Not for the better but worse. "I" was gone. Some other bad things happened too which are personal. My brain changed. Maybe it was the last straw, I don't know. I was unable to keep and job because I couldn't function mentally correctly. I was once one of the most promising graduates of the year. I was on disability, receiving child support once in awhile, making what I could on Ebay, and delivering pizzas to get by.
Ok...so about 2 years ago I and my one left daughter who was beginning high school, move in with the old love. He bought a house. I thought it was a dream come true. HAHAHAHAHAHA not for this girl.
Anyway....what has brought me to blog is what is going on now with me. I seem to be going through a phase of sorts. I have lived my life for 30 years making raising children my top priority, and did an excellent job. But....now all I have left is a 16 year old who is barely home of course. I am lost. I have a very difficult time in any social situation so since I have moved I really don't have any friends or know anyone. My boyfriend never takes me anywhere. He had to retire early from arthritis. He is gone most of the day, I barely see him. So, I have been home alone for about 2 years now.
I was down in Florida for a few weeks, two of them alone but my son lives about an hour from where I was staying. It gave me a lot of time away from things to think. I wanted to stay another month. My children wanted me to come home. I came home. A few days later the shit hit the fan.
I had wanted to stay badly and had told them that. I was home, for no real reason, and madder than an alley cat. Now it's very very rare I get angry like that. I was like a child. All of a sudden I realized I was not in control of my own life. This really pissed me off and I told everyone to leave me alone, not in a nice way either LOL. Well they wouldn't leave me alone, which fueled the fire even worse. Finally, after a couple days they did leave me alone, well my kids at least. My boyfriend, well the shit is flying with him as I am not listening to his orders anymore, and he's mad!
So....all of a sudden I am struggling for my independence. I am searching for Me who I probably have never even known. I am scared and excited at the same time. There is no stopping this rollerball. How do I find "myself". I have become so lost I can't even make my own decisions, even simple ones. I have no support system as no one around me is liking this one bit.
I am hoping that writing a blog will help me through this journey, as well as the readers.
Thanks!!!
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