Living with an alcholic

Living with an alcoholic. That's me...but...it took over two years for me to realize it...hello? Anyone home?
It does amaze me that it took so damn long for me to see this. Hell it had to be pointed out to me! Talk about denial. I grew up in an alcoholic home, I was/am a recovering drug addict myself, but maybe as it was over 20 years ago I dealt with this myself I somehow forgot? HOW did this happen?
It happened because I lost me. I was so damn busy raising 3 children by myself that I had no time to take care of myself. That's just the way it was, and needed to be. My focus was on raising my kids, all of my resources went into it. At the time it was the right thing to do and I am glad I did it. It is my greatest accomplishment, I am very proud of my children and how they have become terrific adults. But.....when that ended.....I was/am so totally lost. I prayed for guidance for years. I knew something was wrong but couldn't figure out what it was. So....I turned to a relationship. My next project. But...none of that really matters except in the lesson to be learned from it.
My journey now and focus is on me. The blog is about finding me, about putting myself first. I don't think that I have ever really done this. I need help. I am finding help in Al-anon and reading. I am exploring. I am thinking. I am trying to ask the right questions to myself and be honest to myself, that is hard.....I have to look so carefully at my motivations for I am manipulative also. I am sick also.
I had some days of peace, I enjoyed them to a point, knowing the chaos would return. Like walking on eggshells. I grew up like that.
I am working on boundaries. What are they? Why do I need them...and most of all how am I going to set them when I know they are going to really piss him off? Fear can control me.
I need to set them to take care of me. To do what is best for me. My first instinct is to set them to hurt him, to manipulate him. I have to be careful. He drinks everyday, comes home everyday drunk to some degree, but drunk. Of course he denies this, he just had a few, he says. SO....he comes home yesterday, drunk. The later it is getting the more I know he will be intoxicated. The stage was set, he was smoking fish all day, since the morning, with drinking buddies. A yearly event. SO....I confront him about being drunk when he gets home, he says he had 5 beers LOL. His denial is getting stronger. He says he is not drunk he is tired. We are watching Cops....a girl is wasted on the show, I say she must be really tired too. So..of course he becomes defensive as always. I could never figure out why is was so defensive. He attacks me verbally. He was working hard all day, he says, while I sat on the couch taking naps all day doing nothing. That's his favorite....he does more than me, well hell I do nothing. Smoking fish is hard ya know, takes a bunch of them to watch all those fish. Hey once in awhile they have to throw a log in. That's what I am thinking. Shit...I realize...too late....that I just brought all this shit on. I am pissed for that, and the cut down remarks he threw at me. grrrrrrrrrrrr.....I tell him I do not want to talk to him when he is under the influence of alcohol. That it usually ends up bad. I leave the room and make my dinner. He threatens me by saying he is just going to go to sleep.......because he knows I don't like it when he does that.....but now....that is fine with me! I tell him that is a good idea.
Now didn't I handle that well LOL...NOT. I plan to talk to him in the morning about my boundaries. But I don't know if that is a good idea either. He will think it is about him not me. He will get defensive. He will take it as an attempt to control him, is it? Why do I have to tell him what my boundaries are? I think that my intentions of telling him may not be a good idea, I think I want to tell him to either hurt him or manipulate him. So...I am not going to mention them at this time. My boundaries I want to set are.....not getting into the games when he drinks...which is hard because it is pretty much all the time except right away in the morning. So who am I to act? Al-anon advices just acting "normal" what the hell is normal. Like nothing is wrong. Normal for me is just keeping my mouth shut, but that's not normal. Act like nothing is wrong.....ok...I will try. I will try not to start something too. Why? Because that is what is best for me. For me. FOr me. If I think I am doing it for him I will become resentful. I'm not doing shit for him. I want to attack him. But...it will hurt me...I have to remember that. If he starts attacking me verbally I have to learn to not respond....why? FOR ME. But it's hard for me to believe that I am taking care of me by letting him get away with it. I can't see that yet. But I have to have faith in those who have gone before me that this is what to do. Don't respond...why....because then I am the bitch....I am the reason he drinks (in his world) ...if I respond it takes the focus off of him and puts it on me. I become the "bad" one. Ok....I will have faith that all this crap is true. I will try it. But it will be very hard. If it gets too hard I need to get up and leave the room, even leave the house if it escalates. I need a plan. I need to practice. It will take time to perfect it.
The other boundary won't be as hard. I don't want to have sex with him when he's drunk. He doesn't much even care about sex so this is harder for me then him. He's drinking has effected his ability to have sex and it usually just sucks. He can't even stay hard. I like sex, yeppers. I think that is normal. But as he is almost always drinking, well it probably means no sex life, not much different than it is now...it is a rare event. Stupid me again....I thought it was some age problem or hormone problem....he knows it is a problem as we have discussed it many times, but he won't do anything about it, and doesn't think it has anything to do with the drinking. Now I know better. At some point, I will have to tell him this...and when I do...our sex life will be over as he will get an attitude, and of course, it will be my fault. But I don't think he will even care. IS this doing what is best for me? Shit I don't know. Am I trying to manipulate? I don't know. Am I being honest to myself? Don't know. I mean I want sex, but not bad sex. What is worse? No sex? I have to think more about this one.
Last week I asked him to write down what he wants out of our relationship in an attempt to start communication. It has failed. I have followed up asking him if he has done it a couple of times, he's said no. Well the first time he said for me to stop bitching??? I don't think I bitch. So there is an obvious miscommunication there....hmmmm. Anyway I explained why I wanted to do this....because we had to change what we were doing in the relationship for it to work....he agrees, as always...but doesn't want to actually do anything. Guess it's all my fault. In his view it is...he doesn't have to change, I do. Well that is right on anyway, I do have to change. I feel sick.
I just don't understand his thinking. Things can't change without change....what we are doing isn't working....why does he think it will? Oh yea...because it is me. I didn't cause it...I can't control it....I can't cure it....keep saying that girl. I am powerless over alcoholism. He is sick. Of course he makes no sense. Focus focus on me. What can I do for me? How do I get stronger? Shit..this is hard.
I am going to a meeting this morning.

New Beginnings

Whew.....today is better, for what that is worth. The sun is rising and the sky is pink, cool. No snow on the ground this morning, very cool. The temp is normal, 50's, cool I guess. Florida was much better though. But at least it is getting better.
I am still shaking, confused, sick to my stomach, nervous, don't sleep much. My world is changing from my inside. It's like a damn snowball hurling down a mountain.....getting bigger and bigger until it blows. Broken. I am broken. Now I have to rebuild starting with all new ingrediants. The old ones didn't work. Shit. I am so damn scared.
On the other hand, I know change had to come, prayed for it to come. I was unhappy but didn't know what was wrong or what to do. I was isolated and depressed. I had no direction or goals.
I wish I wasnt one of those people that it takes a crisis to move my ass. Life would be so much easier, but I am not one of those people. Guess I never will be. I take the long rough road. Dumb.
Yesterday I went to my first "real" (not online) al-anon meeting. A major acheivement for this girl. Me...go into a group of people, whom I know no one....not going to happen, ever...it did. Thank you God. I belong there, that was easy to figure out. A group of people who have the same problems and thoughts that I do. Cool. They have learned skills to cope, to live, to be happy. I need those skills. I want those skills. Their focus is not on the person abusing the alcohol, it is on themselves, finding themselves, learning how to handle situations for their own well being. Cool. I think that is going in the right direction for me. Me....Me...this is about ME.
I met my Mom for lunch. First time I saw her since returning from Florida, almost 2 weeks ago. I havn't even talked to my kids or her much lately. I feel like I have to figure things out for myself. I need time to focus on myself. I can't help anyone else right now.
We talked and I was surprised at how much I told her. On the other hand she has gone through a lot of the same crap with the drinking with her husbands. In fact she was the one who said to me that maybe all the relationship problems were from the drinking....why I hadn't thought of that I don't know....but once I starting thinking about that connection is was very clear.
I told her about the awful arguments, threats, depression. I even told her I was close to sucide a couple of times. I rarely will tell anyone that for fear of being put into a hospital. I had not planned on talking to her at all about the situation, in fact I had planned that if she brought it up I would just say I didn't want to talk about it, like I have been doing to everyone. I wanted a "break" from it.
No fighting yesterday, no arguing. What a relief. But I know damn well it's not over, might never be over. The peace is fleating. But I will take it and enjoy it. But I feel like I am waiting for the ball to drop, on edge, nervous. I can't keep food down so I don't eat much. Oh well, I still need to lose some weight so that is ok.
I did ask Dean to write down what he wants out of our relationship and to do it when he was sober, which is only in the morning. He didn't. He won't go to counseling. He admits our relationship is not working.....but still lives in fantasyland. He thinks that things will just get better on their own, that if you ignore a problem it will go away. I just do not understand his thinking, but from what I have learned it is normal for an alcoholic. Somehow it makes sense to them??? I have to remember that I have no control over the alcoholic....the disease, the symptoms. All I go do is suggest. I can't force him to do anything. I can only change myself and my reactions. There is so much I need to learn to take care of myself. But today, I have peace, right now. At this moment.
Today I am taking care of myself by reading helpful literature from al-anon, by writing here, by spending the day going to a Cat Show and taking my granddaugher, cats are my love.

Things get worse before they get Better

Wowsers. Barely made it through yesterday. Things are so intense and painful. Change. Pain. Growth. It sucks.
Sig other...aka....Dean....finally spoke to me yesterday after acting like he hated me for several days and not even being in the same room with me. My world is crazy, not good crazy either. Not knowing what my future is going to be is very unsettling. For crap sake I'm coming fast on 50, what the fuck. If we break up I am homeless. When I moved in with Dean I got rid of everything. My income sucks. But it's more than that,, I really love him. That's the hard part of all of this. I'm changing and he isn't exactly jumping for joy! He has had me under his control, now I am out of his control. I am seeking me, I am going through some type of growth spurt. Things have to change with us too. Our relationship is very abnormal. I am very unhappy with it. He is unhappy with it but doesn't want things to change??? Makes sense to me NOT. He is an alcoholic. I sure can pick em. I am pissed off at myself for letting this happen. I am severely depressed. Yesterday I came about as close as you can to suicide..I just don't see a way out of this mess. I don't want anymore pain. The only thing that stopped me was the pain I would cause my kids and Mom...but that again is the whole fucking point, I worry more about others than myself. I have to learn who I am and how to take care of myself...and I don't mean financially.
So, I have been going to online Alanon meetings and plan to attend a meeting in my town this morning....but that is a big one for me....I am not a social person and it scares the hell out of me. So...I don't have any friends and I don't leave the house much. I have taken a step....I started volunteering at a animal shelter once a week over a month ago. Took me 2 years...but I did it.
So I have to keep taking those steps.
So....Dean and I talked. Of course he was drunk, he's always drunk. Well except when he wakes up. But by noon he's off and going again. He knows he's an alcoholic, but he doesn't think it effects his life or thoughts. Well I know there is not a damn thing I can do to make him stop. It is so hard to talk to him....well to get through to him I should say.
We don't do anything together, nothing, ever. He spends his time either out in the. garage, the basement, visiting friends/family, and sitting in the bar. Everyday of every week of every month of every year. He spends maybe 5 to 10 min a day with me. Many times not even that. By the time he comes home he is drunk, eats, goes to bed. He loves me....but doesn't love me. He loves me to a point....he holds back because he doesn't want to get hurt. Of course this hurts me. He is cold. Disconnected. He will only "invest" so much, and it's not much. Time has done nothing to change this. He never gives me compliments, never takes me anywhere, never talks to me except to bitch about something, doesn't like to kiss me or have sex. Imagine how that feels. I feel unloved and uncared about. Anything that is important to me, he dismisses. Anything that is important to him, he does.
So...anyone will probably say get the hell out. Oh if it was that simple. Love isn't. I have invested all my love in this. I am not strong enough emotionally. I honestly don't think I could survive emotionally. I would rather die than feel that much pain. I have been through it too many times.....sometimes I think maybe his way of loving is right. No pain. Don't stick your neck out there. Take care of yourself and fuck everyone else. If something bothers you drink. Just be numb. Is that the answer?
Our talk...about the relationship yesterday....we both said we knew it wasn't working, had to change. Blah blah blah. A big problem of his is blame and not taking responsibility for his actions. He blames it on me. His thinking is so fucked up it drives me crazy. He really thinks it is ok to treat me like he does because he pays the bills.? He doesn't even think he treats me bad.? He thinks he is giving everything and I am giving nothing.....because he thinks of the bills, housework, cooking....I think of emotional support, doing things together, etc.. I want us to go to counseling and of course he says no. When I ask how can we fix this he gives no answers. Then....I said, "do you want this relationship to work?"
After I explained that if he did it would require a lot of work...like quitting smoking and other things, you have to give it everything you got....well his answer was "I don't know". That was enough for me to hear...I am not totally stupid.
If he doesn't know....well that is not a good answer at all. You know if you love someone, and if you do you want it to work. You will do anything to make it work. He's not there. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. That hurt to the core of my being. My mind broke, my heart broke. I broke. It's a feeling like when someone close to you dies. First I cried, then I went to my zone. Numb. Checkin out. No one is home. Bye. The pain is so intense my mind can't handle it. Ok...but now I can talk because I am not there emotionally. Nope. But...before that....so close to death, so close. I carried my cell phone around in case I would call someone for help...doubtful, but I almost did. Who could I call? My Mom was at work, my children are from over an hour away, 8 hours away, 18 hours a way. Did I really want anyone to stop me. I sat in the garage yesterday with the car running. I chickened out. To scared to live, too scared to die. Dumb bitch. Finally I took a couple anxiety meds to knock my ass out.
Woke up at 2am. Going out for lunch with my Mom. Won't tell her everything. Won't tell anyone. Dean is in the other room watching tv. I just am praying to be able to make it through another day.

Midlife Crisis,Empty Nest? HELP

Life seems to be a series of events. Good and bad. Heading into 50 I thought my life would be settled and serene by now. Hardly! Maybe there is no such thing. How I would love a nice boring life. You know, like the nosy neighbor has. Her house is spotless, her baking and cooking divine, volunteers at several organizations, and knows everything that goes on in the neighborhood. Heck she is still so bored she makes those "sweaters for hangers".
Drama is my life. I feel like I must be some kind of magnet for it. I don't even like it. I do everything I can to avoid it. Is it normal? Is it insane? Do I somehow bring it on?
Well I guess I should begin by telling a brief life story.
I was raised in the Chicago Subs. I have four brothers, I am the second child and only daughter. We moved to rural Wisconsin when I was about thirteen. My childhood seemed, on the outside, great. On the inside, my father was an abusive alcoholic.
The move from Chicago subs to rural Wisconsin was a culture shock. I was not accepted where once I was very popular. However, the older boys were very interested.
My teenage life was filled with partying and everything that goes along with that. I became pregnant at 17, and as was customary in that time, married and had a little girl. It was only a couple of years when I wanted to go back to the partying lifestyle and I did for years and avoided any serious relationships.
By my mid 20's I was addicted to cocaine. Started my long recovery process and was very involved with that. In my late 20's I married, had 2 more children, and went to college and got a bachelor's degree. Once again I divorced. The marriage would have never even happened had I not become pregnant right away, and then again! I tried but I didn't love him and was not happy.
At this point I had 3 children and was about to graduate from college. I felt I could not do all this alone and found another mate, who was also a recovering person. Dumb, dumb. dumb. Married him, had another baby. He choose to go back to drinking and it ended.
I moved to a nice community about an hour away to raise my children alone. No more men for this girl. Financially it was very difficult. I loved raising the kids, we did a lot of things. It was the best time of my life so far. But.....they grow up!!! I did have a plan to move to Florida, I love it there and go on vacation at least once a year. I picked where I wanted to live. But, when the time came that I only had one child left at home, I did not have much money saved of course.
I couldn't afford to stay in the house I was renting for all of us. I didn't want to stay in the community any longer as it was not much for single people. I contacted an old love. I thought God was blessing me as the relationship just seemed to flow. But....well I have a problem picking men to say the least. I see the good, not the bad. I settle. Not saying he is a bad person. But he has a drinking problem of course. How predictable for me.
I haven't had much of a career. I had a major mental breakdown when husband 2 left when I was pregnant, doing my internship, and couldn't take my medications for mental illness issues. I changed dramatically. Not for the better but worse. "I" was gone. Some other bad things happened too which are personal. My brain changed. Maybe it was the last straw, I don't know. I was unable to keep and job because I couldn't function mentally correctly. I was once one of the most promising graduates of the year. I was on disability, receiving child support once in awhile, making what I could on Ebay, and delivering pizzas to get by.
Ok...so about 2 years ago I and my one left daughter who was beginning high school, move in with the old love. He bought a house. I thought it was a dream come true. HAHAHAHAHAHA not for this girl.
Anyway....what has brought me to blog is what is going on now with me. I seem to be going through a phase of sorts. I have lived my life for 30 years making raising children my top priority, and did an excellent job. But....now all I have left is a 16 year old who is barely home of course. I am lost. I have a very difficult time in any social situation so since I have moved I really don't have any friends or know anyone. My boyfriend never takes me anywhere. He had to retire early from arthritis. He is gone most of the day, I barely see him. So, I have been home alone for about 2 years now.
I was down in Florida for a few weeks, two of them alone but my son lives about an hour from where I was staying. It gave me a lot of time away from things to think. I wanted to stay another month. My children wanted me to come home. I came home. A few days later the shit hit the fan.
I had wanted to stay badly and had told them that. I was home, for no real reason, and madder than an alley cat. Now it's very very rare I get angry like that. I was like a child. All of a sudden I realized I was not in control of my own life. This really pissed me off and I told everyone to leave me alone, not in a nice way either LOL. Well they wouldn't leave me alone, which fueled the fire even worse. Finally, after a couple days they did leave me alone, well my kids at least. My boyfriend, well the shit is flying with him as I am not listening to his orders anymore, and he's mad!
So....all of a sudden I am struggling for my independence. I am searching for Me who I probably have never even known. I am scared and excited at the same time. There is no stopping this rollerball. How do I find "myself". I have become so lost I can't even make my own decisions, even simple ones. I have no support system as no one around me is liking this one bit.
I am hoping that writing a blog will help me through this journey, as well as the readers.
Thanks!!!