Detachment?

DETACHMENT

What the hell is that? It seems like it is an important term when dealing with an alcholic, or any addicted, or ever very ill, person.

It comes up in Al-anon.

I don't quite understand and I am confused.

I spent time this morning reading about detachement, what it is , what it means, how to do it.

But.....I still am having a hard time grasping it. The lightening bolt hasn't gone off. I keep hearing you have to detach from the alocholic, with love. Shit.

I am getting bits of it anyway. When I put myself and my needs first, I am detaching. When I won't accept unacceptable behavior, I am detaching. When I accept alcholism as a disease, I am detaching. I went accept that the alcoholics behavior is a symtom of a disease, not a personal attack, I am detaching. When I take responsiblity for myself, my future, and my happiness, I am detaching.

Ok...but how do I love him but still detach? That I don't understand. I understand the need for detachment, to protect myself in a way, but maybe that isn't it. I read, that when you are hurt because of their actions, remember it is a disease, and their attack on you is a symptom, don't take it personally. How can I do that? When he treats me like shit, and I am hurt, I am not suppose to feel hurt? Bullshit. I hurt. I have feelings. Am I suppose to shut off my feelings like he has? That can't be it.

All I can do is have faith in those who have already walked this road. Even if I don't believe I need to trust. Trust in these people, and trust in God.

I also get very confused about my future..;....they should I stay or should I go. But..I don't have to make that decesion today, nor am I ready to. Financially I can't go anywhere. I have a lot of preparation to do...and I am taking the right steps to get there. Of course a fairy tale ending would be great, but, at the same time I know that probably isn't going to happen. I can't count on it by any means. I belive if I give him the choice of me or alcohol, I'm not going to win. It is way stronger than me. Now that hurts.

Yesterday, I was able to communicate with him without fighting or arguing, although it did start out that way, because my feelings were hurt and I lashed out. Wrong move. It's so hard not to say anything, which is the advice I get....I want to assert myself....I want to defend myself, I want to make him hurt too. Anyway, who knows how much seeped into his brain. I talked about what I am doing for myself and how I needed to do that and why. I talked about the fact that he is an alcoholic, which he admits, and how that has effected me and our relationship, and his life. I don't know how much he believes, he doesn't associate his drinking with his problems. Well either did I for a long time. But the seed has been planted, and I can't do anything more. Only God can make the plant grow. I can only plant the seed and water it. There has been a change in him....even though this was only yesterday. He's thinking about it. I am sure the changes I am making in my life are very scary for him. My life is not all about him anymore. It's about me. No matter what ever happens that is the way it should be.

I am so scared myself. Change just sucks. I have to find a job, that is really scary. Interviews...uewwwwwwwww I have one so far this week.

Living with an alcholic

Living with an alcoholic. That's me...but...it took over two years for me to realize it...hello? Anyone home?
It does amaze me that it took so damn long for me to see this. Hell it had to be pointed out to me! Talk about denial. I grew up in an alcoholic home, I was/am a recovering drug addict myself, but maybe as it was over 20 years ago I dealt with this myself I somehow forgot? HOW did this happen?
It happened because I lost me. I was so damn busy raising 3 children by myself that I had no time to take care of myself. That's just the way it was, and needed to be. My focus was on raising my kids, all of my resources went into it. At the time it was the right thing to do and I am glad I did it. It is my greatest accomplishment, I am very proud of my children and how they have become terrific adults. But.....when that ended.....I was/am so totally lost. I prayed for guidance for years. I knew something was wrong but couldn't figure out what it was. So....I turned to a relationship. My next project. But...none of that really matters except in the lesson to be learned from it.
My journey now and focus is on me. The blog is about finding me, about putting myself first. I don't think that I have ever really done this. I need help. I am finding help in Al-anon and reading. I am exploring. I am thinking. I am trying to ask the right questions to myself and be honest to myself, that is hard.....I have to look so carefully at my motivations for I am manipulative also. I am sick also.
I had some days of peace, I enjoyed them to a point, knowing the chaos would return. Like walking on eggshells. I grew up like that.
I am working on boundaries. What are they? Why do I need them...and most of all how am I going to set them when I know they are going to really piss him off? Fear can control me.
I need to set them to take care of me. To do what is best for me. My first instinct is to set them to hurt him, to manipulate him. I have to be careful. He drinks everyday, comes home everyday drunk to some degree, but drunk. Of course he denies this, he just had a few, he says. SO....he comes home yesterday, drunk. The later it is getting the more I know he will be intoxicated. The stage was set, he was smoking fish all day, since the morning, with drinking buddies. A yearly event. SO....I confront him about being drunk when he gets home, he says he had 5 beers LOL. His denial is getting stronger. He says he is not drunk he is tired. We are watching Cops....a girl is wasted on the show, I say she must be really tired too. So..of course he becomes defensive as always. I could never figure out why is was so defensive. He attacks me verbally. He was working hard all day, he says, while I sat on the couch taking naps all day doing nothing. That's his favorite....he does more than me, well hell I do nothing. Smoking fish is hard ya know, takes a bunch of them to watch all those fish. Hey once in awhile they have to throw a log in. That's what I am thinking. Shit...I realize...too late....that I just brought all this shit on. I am pissed for that, and the cut down remarks he threw at me. grrrrrrrrrrrr.....I tell him I do not want to talk to him when he is under the influence of alcohol. That it usually ends up bad. I leave the room and make my dinner. He threatens me by saying he is just going to go to sleep.......because he knows I don't like it when he does that.....but now....that is fine with me! I tell him that is a good idea.
Now didn't I handle that well LOL...NOT. I plan to talk to him in the morning about my boundaries. But I don't know if that is a good idea either. He will think it is about him not me. He will get defensive. He will take it as an attempt to control him, is it? Why do I have to tell him what my boundaries are? I think that my intentions of telling him may not be a good idea, I think I want to tell him to either hurt him or manipulate him. So...I am not going to mention them at this time. My boundaries I want to set are.....not getting into the games when he drinks...which is hard because it is pretty much all the time except right away in the morning. So who am I to act? Al-anon advices just acting "normal" what the hell is normal. Like nothing is wrong. Normal for me is just keeping my mouth shut, but that's not normal. Act like nothing is wrong.....ok...I will try. I will try not to start something too. Why? Because that is what is best for me. For me. FOr me. If I think I am doing it for him I will become resentful. I'm not doing shit for him. I want to attack him. But...it will hurt me...I have to remember that. If he starts attacking me verbally I have to learn to not respond....why? FOR ME. But it's hard for me to believe that I am taking care of me by letting him get away with it. I can't see that yet. But I have to have faith in those who have gone before me that this is what to do. Don't respond...why....because then I am the bitch....I am the reason he drinks (in his world) ...if I respond it takes the focus off of him and puts it on me. I become the "bad" one. Ok....I will have faith that all this crap is true. I will try it. But it will be very hard. If it gets too hard I need to get up and leave the room, even leave the house if it escalates. I need a plan. I need to practice. It will take time to perfect it.
The other boundary won't be as hard. I don't want to have sex with him when he's drunk. He doesn't much even care about sex so this is harder for me then him. He's drinking has effected his ability to have sex and it usually just sucks. He can't even stay hard. I like sex, yeppers. I think that is normal. But as he is almost always drinking, well it probably means no sex life, not much different than it is now...it is a rare event. Stupid me again....I thought it was some age problem or hormone problem....he knows it is a problem as we have discussed it many times, but he won't do anything about it, and doesn't think it has anything to do with the drinking. Now I know better. At some point, I will have to tell him this...and when I do...our sex life will be over as he will get an attitude, and of course, it will be my fault. But I don't think he will even care. IS this doing what is best for me? Shit I don't know. Am I trying to manipulate? I don't know. Am I being honest to myself? Don't know. I mean I want sex, but not bad sex. What is worse? No sex? I have to think more about this one.
Last week I asked him to write down what he wants out of our relationship in an attempt to start communication. It has failed. I have followed up asking him if he has done it a couple of times, he's said no. Well the first time he said for me to stop bitching??? I don't think I bitch. So there is an obvious miscommunication there....hmmmm. Anyway I explained why I wanted to do this....because we had to change what we were doing in the relationship for it to work....he agrees, as always...but doesn't want to actually do anything. Guess it's all my fault. In his view it is...he doesn't have to change, I do. Well that is right on anyway, I do have to change. I feel sick.
I just don't understand his thinking. Things can't change without change....what we are doing isn't working....why does he think it will? Oh yea...because it is me. I didn't cause it...I can't control it....I can't cure it....keep saying that girl. I am powerless over alcoholism. He is sick. Of course he makes no sense. Focus focus on me. What can I do for me? How do I get stronger? Shit..this is hard.
I am going to a meeting this morning.

New Beginnings

Whew.....today is better, for what that is worth. The sun is rising and the sky is pink, cool. No snow on the ground this morning, very cool. The temp is normal, 50's, cool I guess. Florida was much better though. But at least it is getting better.
I am still shaking, confused, sick to my stomach, nervous, don't sleep much. My world is changing from my inside. It's like a damn snowball hurling down a mountain.....getting bigger and bigger until it blows. Broken. I am broken. Now I have to rebuild starting with all new ingrediants. The old ones didn't work. Shit. I am so damn scared.
On the other hand, I know change had to come, prayed for it to come. I was unhappy but didn't know what was wrong or what to do. I was isolated and depressed. I had no direction or goals.
I wish I wasnt one of those people that it takes a crisis to move my ass. Life would be so much easier, but I am not one of those people. Guess I never will be. I take the long rough road. Dumb.
Yesterday I went to my first "real" (not online) al-anon meeting. A major acheivement for this girl. Me...go into a group of people, whom I know no one....not going to happen, ever...it did. Thank you God. I belong there, that was easy to figure out. A group of people who have the same problems and thoughts that I do. Cool. They have learned skills to cope, to live, to be happy. I need those skills. I want those skills. Their focus is not on the person abusing the alcohol, it is on themselves, finding themselves, learning how to handle situations for their own well being. Cool. I think that is going in the right direction for me. Me....Me...this is about ME.
I met my Mom for lunch. First time I saw her since returning from Florida, almost 2 weeks ago. I havn't even talked to my kids or her much lately. I feel like I have to figure things out for myself. I need time to focus on myself. I can't help anyone else right now.
We talked and I was surprised at how much I told her. On the other hand she has gone through a lot of the same crap with the drinking with her husbands. In fact she was the one who said to me that maybe all the relationship problems were from the drinking....why I hadn't thought of that I don't know....but once I starting thinking about that connection is was very clear.
I told her about the awful arguments, threats, depression. I even told her I was close to sucide a couple of times. I rarely will tell anyone that for fear of being put into a hospital. I had not planned on talking to her at all about the situation, in fact I had planned that if she brought it up I would just say I didn't want to talk about it, like I have been doing to everyone. I wanted a "break" from it.
No fighting yesterday, no arguing. What a relief. But I know damn well it's not over, might never be over. The peace is fleating. But I will take it and enjoy it. But I feel like I am waiting for the ball to drop, on edge, nervous. I can't keep food down so I don't eat much. Oh well, I still need to lose some weight so that is ok.
I did ask Dean to write down what he wants out of our relationship and to do it when he was sober, which is only in the morning. He didn't. He won't go to counseling. He admits our relationship is not working.....but still lives in fantasyland. He thinks that things will just get better on their own, that if you ignore a problem it will go away. I just do not understand his thinking, but from what I have learned it is normal for an alcoholic. Somehow it makes sense to them??? I have to remember that I have no control over the alcoholic....the disease, the symptoms. All I go do is suggest. I can't force him to do anything. I can only change myself and my reactions. There is so much I need to learn to take care of myself. But today, I have peace, right now. At this moment.
Today I am taking care of myself by reading helpful literature from al-anon, by writing here, by spending the day going to a Cat Show and taking my granddaugher, cats are my love.