New Beginnings

Whew.....today is better, for what that is worth. The sun is rising and the sky is pink, cool. No snow on the ground this morning, very cool. The temp is normal, 50's, cool I guess. Florida was much better though. But at least it is getting better.
I am still shaking, confused, sick to my stomach, nervous, don't sleep much. My world is changing from my inside. It's like a damn snowball hurling down a mountain.....getting bigger and bigger until it blows. Broken. I am broken. Now I have to rebuild starting with all new ingrediants. The old ones didn't work. Shit. I am so damn scared.
On the other hand, I know change had to come, prayed for it to come. I was unhappy but didn't know what was wrong or what to do. I was isolated and depressed. I had no direction or goals.
I wish I wasnt one of those people that it takes a crisis to move my ass. Life would be so much easier, but I am not one of those people. Guess I never will be. I take the long rough road. Dumb.
Yesterday I went to my first "real" (not online) al-anon meeting. A major acheivement for this girl. Me...go into a group of people, whom I know no one....not going to happen, ever...it did. Thank you God. I belong there, that was easy to figure out. A group of people who have the same problems and thoughts that I do. Cool. They have learned skills to cope, to live, to be happy. I need those skills. I want those skills. Their focus is not on the person abusing the alcohol, it is on themselves, finding themselves, learning how to handle situations for their own well being. Cool. I think that is going in the right direction for me. Me....Me...this is about ME.
I met my Mom for lunch. First time I saw her since returning from Florida, almost 2 weeks ago. I havn't even talked to my kids or her much lately. I feel like I have to figure things out for myself. I need time to focus on myself. I can't help anyone else right now.
We talked and I was surprised at how much I told her. On the other hand she has gone through a lot of the same crap with the drinking with her husbands. In fact she was the one who said to me that maybe all the relationship problems were from the drinking....why I hadn't thought of that I don't know....but once I starting thinking about that connection is was very clear.
I told her about the awful arguments, threats, depression. I even told her I was close to sucide a couple of times. I rarely will tell anyone that for fear of being put into a hospital. I had not planned on talking to her at all about the situation, in fact I had planned that if she brought it up I would just say I didn't want to talk about it, like I have been doing to everyone. I wanted a "break" from it.
No fighting yesterday, no arguing. What a relief. But I know damn well it's not over, might never be over. The peace is fleating. But I will take it and enjoy it. But I feel like I am waiting for the ball to drop, on edge, nervous. I can't keep food down so I don't eat much. Oh well, I still need to lose some weight so that is ok.
I did ask Dean to write down what he wants out of our relationship and to do it when he was sober, which is only in the morning. He didn't. He won't go to counseling. He admits our relationship is not working.....but still lives in fantasyland. He thinks that things will just get better on their own, that if you ignore a problem it will go away. I just do not understand his thinking, but from what I have learned it is normal for an alcoholic. Somehow it makes sense to them??? I have to remember that I have no control over the alcoholic....the disease, the symptoms. All I go do is suggest. I can't force him to do anything. I can only change myself and my reactions. There is so much I need to learn to take care of myself. But today, I have peace, right now. At this moment.
Today I am taking care of myself by reading helpful literature from al-anon, by writing here, by spending the day going to a Cat Show and taking my granddaugher, cats are my love.

Things get worse before they get Better

Wowsers. Barely made it through yesterday. Things are so intense and painful. Change. Pain. Growth. It sucks.
Sig other...aka....Dean....finally spoke to me yesterday after acting like he hated me for several days and not even being in the same room with me. My world is crazy, not good crazy either. Not knowing what my future is going to be is very unsettling. For crap sake I'm coming fast on 50, what the fuck. If we break up I am homeless. When I moved in with Dean I got rid of everything. My income sucks. But it's more than that,, I really love him. That's the hard part of all of this. I'm changing and he isn't exactly jumping for joy! He has had me under his control, now I am out of his control. I am seeking me, I am going through some type of growth spurt. Things have to change with us too. Our relationship is very abnormal. I am very unhappy with it. He is unhappy with it but doesn't want things to change??? Makes sense to me NOT. He is an alcoholic. I sure can pick em. I am pissed off at myself for letting this happen. I am severely depressed. Yesterday I came about as close as you can to suicide..I just don't see a way out of this mess. I don't want anymore pain. The only thing that stopped me was the pain I would cause my kids and Mom...but that again is the whole fucking point, I worry more about others than myself. I have to learn who I am and how to take care of myself...and I don't mean financially.
So, I have been going to online Alanon meetings and plan to attend a meeting in my town this morning....but that is a big one for me....I am not a social person and it scares the hell out of me. So...I don't have any friends and I don't leave the house much. I have taken a step....I started volunteering at a animal shelter once a week over a month ago. Took me 2 years...but I did it.
So I have to keep taking those steps.
So....Dean and I talked. Of course he was drunk, he's always drunk. Well except when he wakes up. But by noon he's off and going again. He knows he's an alcoholic, but he doesn't think it effects his life or thoughts. Well I know there is not a damn thing I can do to make him stop. It is so hard to talk to him....well to get through to him I should say.
We don't do anything together, nothing, ever. He spends his time either out in the. garage, the basement, visiting friends/family, and sitting in the bar. Everyday of every week of every month of every year. He spends maybe 5 to 10 min a day with me. Many times not even that. By the time he comes home he is drunk, eats, goes to bed. He loves me....but doesn't love me. He loves me to a point....he holds back because he doesn't want to get hurt. Of course this hurts me. He is cold. Disconnected. He will only "invest" so much, and it's not much. Time has done nothing to change this. He never gives me compliments, never takes me anywhere, never talks to me except to bitch about something, doesn't like to kiss me or have sex. Imagine how that feels. I feel unloved and uncared about. Anything that is important to me, he dismisses. Anything that is important to him, he does.
So...anyone will probably say get the hell out. Oh if it was that simple. Love isn't. I have invested all my love in this. I am not strong enough emotionally. I honestly don't think I could survive emotionally. I would rather die than feel that much pain. I have been through it too many times.....sometimes I think maybe his way of loving is right. No pain. Don't stick your neck out there. Take care of yourself and fuck everyone else. If something bothers you drink. Just be numb. Is that the answer?
Our talk...about the relationship yesterday....we both said we knew it wasn't working, had to change. Blah blah blah. A big problem of his is blame and not taking responsibility for his actions. He blames it on me. His thinking is so fucked up it drives me crazy. He really thinks it is ok to treat me like he does because he pays the bills.? He doesn't even think he treats me bad.? He thinks he is giving everything and I am giving nothing.....because he thinks of the bills, housework, cooking....I think of emotional support, doing things together, etc.. I want us to go to counseling and of course he says no. When I ask how can we fix this he gives no answers. Then....I said, "do you want this relationship to work?"
After I explained that if he did it would require a lot of work...like quitting smoking and other things, you have to give it everything you got....well his answer was "I don't know". That was enough for me to hear...I am not totally stupid.
If he doesn't know....well that is not a good answer at all. You know if you love someone, and if you do you want it to work. You will do anything to make it work. He's not there. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. That hurt to the core of my being. My mind broke, my heart broke. I broke. It's a feeling like when someone close to you dies. First I cried, then I went to my zone. Numb. Checkin out. No one is home. Bye. The pain is so intense my mind can't handle it. Ok...but now I can talk because I am not there emotionally. Nope. But...before that....so close to death, so close. I carried my cell phone around in case I would call someone for help...doubtful, but I almost did. Who could I call? My Mom was at work, my children are from over an hour away, 8 hours away, 18 hours a way. Did I really want anyone to stop me. I sat in the garage yesterday with the car running. I chickened out. To scared to live, too scared to die. Dumb bitch. Finally I took a couple anxiety meds to knock my ass out.
Woke up at 2am. Going out for lunch with my Mom. Won't tell her everything. Won't tell anyone. Dean is in the other room watching tv. I just am praying to be able to make it through another day.